A guide to making friends as an ✨ adult ✨
There’s no two ways around it - loneliness is an epidemic.
If you’ve tried to make friends as an adult, you can probably see why. It was so easy and straightforward as a child - I made my first friend by sitting next to her on my first day of kindergarten. She was playing with a bead maze and I wanted to join. As an adult, making friends seems decidedly more complex - and Covid definitely hasn’t helped with that.
Where this study shows that pre-pandemic 1 in 3 Australians reported feeling lonely, those stats are now at over half of the population, with 54% of people reporting experiencing loneliness. And it’s not just Australia - in 2018 Britain appointed a minister for loneliness, and Japan followed suit in 2021.
So what’s going on? Why are we so lonely as adults?
A lot of friendships and casual relationships fell through the cracks during lockdowns - if you were going to put time and effort into relationships it was generally “more important” ones like immediate family or close friends. We no longer had the chance to say a quick hello to someone we might bump into at a party or colleagues around the office, so maintaining casual relationships just didn’t happen for a lot of us.
Research shows that the main challenges adults face when making friends is a lack of trust and a lack of time - two things that can be quite hard to combat.
What do we need to do?
It’s about quality over quantity
If you’re in the mood to make friends, it might seem like you’ve got to put in a lot of effort with almost everyone you meet, which is downright exhausting. Focus on the people you genuinely want to build a stronger connection with - and really dedicate your time with them, to them.
Make the most of quality time
When you’re with those you want to build deeper relationships with, make sure you actually spend your time trying to build that connection. Some studies show it can take between 50 to 200 hours to move from casual acquaintances to friends, but don’t spend that time scrolling or relying on small talk. If you’re going to put in the time, make it worthwhile.
Lean into vulnerability
Remember how I said that a lot of adults cite lack of trust as a significant barrier to friendship? I’m not saying the only way to build trust is by being vulnerable with someone, but I am saying it works. It does feel like a big personal risk and can be really scary, but there is also the potential to connect on a meaningful level with another person, which I think is a great reward.
Deepen casual connections
50 hours might sound like a lot of time to invest, but it doesn’t have to be 50 straight hours, I promise. Finding a common interest with a work colleague and chatting over lunch or a mid-week coffee run can really rack those numbers up. Plus, you’ve already got one of the most important bases for friendship down - shared experience.
Lean into shared experiences
Clinical psychologist Linda Blair says that “usually the basis of making a friend is shared experience.” Shared experiences seem much easier to come by as kids and adolescents at school and uni, but can be harder to find as adults, especially if you don’t necessarily want to hang out with your co-workers. Blair suggests joining a class or volunteer group - we reckon a social sports team is a great way to meet others with similar hobbies.
In conclusion, making friends is scary! But it helps to know you’re not the only person out there trying to make friends, and we’re all finding it just as tough as each other. By reaching out to others who share your interests and engaging in some quality time, you’re already halfway there.
Looking to meet new people you can test out your new friend-making skills on? Find your next social team here 👈
